Hey y’all! I know I haven’t been exceptionally active here lately, but with the 30 characters in 30 days challenge i really devoted a LOT of time to that (and yet I still failed) /cry. It was a blast, and I will get them up over here, as well as finishing it over the next month. I have also been formulating over the last few days a new (for me) sci-fi universe. I am thinking of starting a second blog for my art, and other assorted creations. As to not fill up this one with stuff y’all didn’t come here to see/read. Anyway, that’s that.
So, me.. my transition.. going good. I am a happy girl! Every time I look in the mirror I smile. Ya know, I’m kinda cute 😛 hehe egotistical/ maybe a tad. Actually I am really seeing Melanie “full time” when I look. I can barely see any lingering portions of Matthew if at all. It’s an awesome feeling, I am really thrilled… for the first time in my life i feel truly whole. I can’t even begin to explain how that feels after 37 years of feeling at least partially empty, or missing something. Maybe some of you do get it, but i imagine most people just know what they are, and who they are, and except for minor physical defaults they are basically complete. Growing up in small town Midwest I knew these growing feelings of not being in the correct body had to be snuffed out as best as I could, and shoved far away. As i formed an opinion/personality as an adult (in Chicago) I was like, HOLY SHIT! Life doesn’t have to be this way, I CAN be me! Melanie had been starving to come out for a LONG time. Even then, I held her down, let her linger in darkness and near oblivion. I was a miserable person, inside and out. I had toxic relationships, and wasn’t the best friend I could have been. I know this, and I am truly sorry. I was so self absorbed and shut off, it must have stunk to be around me. I know I didn’t like being around me…even a little. Ya, sure, I went out, gamed, drank, etc etc but that wasn’t me… I didn’t wanna be that guy sitting in the corner sulking/skulking, I wanted to be that girl… dancing, spinning, smiling, free from hang ups, worries, at least for a few hours. That just wasn’t to be.
Now, after being with my wife for nearly a decade (just over actually), I am FINALLY me! Melanie Dawn! How freakin awesome is that!? So happy… I know I haven’t been the best spouse, partner, whatever… but i think I am doing so much better, and I know I have a LONG way to go. As Melanie develops even more, I will become more at peace with me, and that truly keeps me going.
Did I mention I am kinda cute! hehe…
So, ya… this whole transition has really forced me to look inward, inward on a completely different level than when i was younger and so self-absorbed in a bad way. I can truly see who I am on a spiritual level, on a conscience level, on a level I really never knew existed, and it is indeed scary, but in a wonderful way. I really see who I am. While not easy to face some of the harsh truths, it has been so worth it!
On a side note… the boy clothes are going away! I started to gather them up.. gonna take them to goodwill in the next week or so me thinks. Anyway, thanks for reading, see ya soon!
Listening to Savatage- Still the Orchestra Plays-vol 1 & 2