Two posts in one day!?

lol ya i have something else to say, but it seemed to far of a jump to put it in my last post.

A few weeks (one or two) ago, i was REALLY down on my self.  Now, i have always had severe self esteem issues, but lately i was really down on myself, and my looks.  I feel like i will never pass.  Which (according to my wife) is silly and ironic, as we have been out i think twice now, where we were addressed as “ladies”, even when i was not presenting.  She says i am more feminine than i think or even know.  Maybe.  I suppose (as i said in my last post) I should just present, and go out shopping and see what happens.

I am terrified of hate crimes and such, but if i “pass” when i am not trying, then maybe i will be ok.

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My Wardrobe

Now, i only just started presenting (on rare occasion) en femme in public, but I already wish my wardrobe was larger LMAO.  My therapist told me one of my assignments before i see her again is to go out and buy one item of female clothing by my self!  Well i DID go out and buy a tank top to wear under something i have at the Avenue before going to the support group meeting i spoke of before.  I suppose that doesn’t count.  So, hopefully i can get out this week or next and get a new top or something.  It’s just not that easy for me yet.

Also, I’m not really sure what my style is yet.  I love certain types of clothing (styles) but i think i’m a little old for certain things (being 36).  Maybe i just need to bite the bullet and get out there and figure it out.  DER! of course that’s what i need to do.

Tuesday Maintenance

If you play World of Warcraft you know what my title means.

Yes it’s tuesday, and WoW servers are down for another 35 minutes or so.  I may hate it, but they have been doing it for 5 years.  I know, it helps take the excess load off the servers, etc etc.  Anyway, I haven’t posted in a few days so i thought i jot something down (while i wait for the servers to come up).  So, I still can’t find work-sucks to, as i really want to get back out there and start earning some money, so i can begin to really build my wardrobe.  Last week (friday) I went to a small event for the local TG/CD community, but everyone was in male attire (it’s for people who are not yet full time or comfortable in female attire yet.  Anyway, it was fun, we went to an Italian restaurant downtown.  Myself and one other person slit a 13″ pizza, it was amazing!  So yummy.  I am terribad with names so i think i got maybe one or two.  LOL

So, most of the time i wear sports bras to “mush” down the girls, since i rarely go out “en femme”.  But lately i wear a real bra under my male attire and i can tell ya, the girls are much happier and boy are they getting noticeable!   Good thing good thing, don’t get me wrong… the further i progress, the better.  As i am hoping to go full time around the beginning of summer, but we will see.

I had a laser hair removal appointment last week for my face, and the girl turned up the “juice” on me again.  WOW! my face was so red and swollen after!  I have never had that happen, i mean it gets a little red, but nothing like this time!  It’s all gone away now, but i was a little scared for awhile.  Seems like it’s not working all that great, but we’ll see (I need to shave).

I was thinking about going to an event at a local retailer on saturday (they shut down the store and open it up to TG/CD community only).  pretty awesome they’d do that, but then again it’s probably one of the more profitable evenings they have out side X-Mas time.  Maybe next time, although as i am still pretty heavy i’m not sure they’d have anything my size 😦

well, it’s been 10 minutes 😛 bleh!  I guess i will surf some while i wait for those darn servers.

M

Quick post (too early)/Media

I just wanted to post a quick little note.

Health care reform, i think, is a good thing.  It seems watching TV is bad for people to really understand what’s going on.  With Fox news slanting it thier way, MSNBC slanting it thier way, and on top of that, the three idiots on the radio every morning (on my favorite station) are so right leaning that all they do is pick on people, and belittle them about this.  The main host of the show is wealthy and slams people who are unemployed, or working and can’t afford to get health care.  He says “Get a better job” etc, etc… IN THIS ECONOMY?! and job market?!  Idiot!  I have been unemployed since i graduated from college  (for a second time), even crappy little retail jobs (which i am WAY qualified for) won’t hire me, because i have been out of work so long!

He obviously doesn’t get how the real world works anymore.  OK, maybe he did have to work hard before, but the world is constantly changing, and things are just not what they were when he actually had to work.  Also, one of the co-hosts is also an idiot!  He acts like everyone has tons of luxuries they can give up, so they can afford to pay for insurance.  WHAT!?  Ok the only phone i have is my cell… How do i give up my only life line to potential employers, if i give it up.  I’m sorry, but there are cell plans for like 20 bucks a month!  20 bucks will not get ya healthcare.

Some people infuriate me so much!  These are the same people who came out last year and said Transgendered people are freaks!  and disgusting, etc etc.  They were taken off the air for nearly a week, so they could contrive their scripts for an “apology” show, which was a joke, they still belittled and acted like idiots even while having a transgendered person on the show!

OK, so this wasn’t such a short note after all.  Anyway, just had to get that off my chest.

M

Support Group

So, ya i didn’t post over the weekend… sue me! LOL

Actually, Saturday night I went to a support group meeting (wife came with me :))  It was the first time I had been, and had no idea what to expect.  Overall, it was a good experience.  We went around the table telling a little about ourselves, and how things had been going.  When it got me to me (last person), I started in on how great my wife has been and how supportive she is, and yep, i started bawling.  I felt so dumb!  I basically cried the whole time i was supposed to speak.  I could not pull it together.   One of the ladies asked me if the tears were pain, or joy, and i said i was just overwhelmed with happiness.  To finally meet people like me in person was amazing.

I got to hear stories that mirrored much of what i have gone through.  (Had to stop and take a breath as i type this).  Needless to say i will be going back next month.

M

Therapist

So, I went and saw my therapist today.  I was in a great mood, and looking quite cute if i do say so my self.  Well, i got in there, and before i knew it, i was crying.  I wasn’t really even sure why, i just was.  I have been wrestling with coming out, and attempting to go full time.  The thought of coming out to my parents is devastating, as I am very close to both of them, and exceptionally so my father.  They are semi-conservative Catholics, and i am afraid they would disown me.  I thought i was close to telling my mom, as i think she’d take it better, but i just constantly wrestle with it.  Also, i live with some of my wife’s family, and i know it will be weird for them.  Not that i live my life to appease others, it’s just hard, and one of my wife’s sisters seem to have a serious issue with gay people, so i KNOW my situation would be really tough.

Anyway, I cried and cried… and realized it’s sorta my way of letting go of my male side.  Letting my female side grow and flourish, and the way to do that, is to push aside my maleness, which is exactly what i did to my female side for years.  My therapist gave me a couple of assignments to tackle before i see her again in April.

1) I have to write down what i think of my female side, who she is, what she likes, and what she see as her future.

2) Go, on my own, to a store and buy one article of clothing for me.  A little daunting, but i think i can handle it.

ANyway, I will post the results of both as I complete them.

M

Drugged up!

Ok, sorta.  You see, I was rear-ended by a guy who was on his cell AND had been drinking a few weeks ago.  I thought I was ok, but i have had consistent, nagging shoulder, back and neck pain, that i had been treating with over the counter pain relievers.  The other night, the pain came in hard and fast, and was killing me, i couldn’t sleep!  So i finally, at the behest of my wife, went to the doctor, who after a few minutes gave me a prescription for some muscle relaxers, and set me up with a physical therapist.  So, i have been taking the muscle relaxers twice a day (which pretty much knock me out), and Thursday i go to the physical therapist.  Hopefully we can get this solved, as i am prett miserable atm, and i hate the way the pills make me feel.