Dualality

Ok, bear with me, I am going to wax philosophical for a moment.  Keep in mind, this will be random, make little sense, and possibly cut off in the middle of a thought.

Obviously (at least to me) TG people have a sort of dual-nature while transitioning.  There’s the male side, who seems to always want to control situations if they get a little out of control, and the female side who has the common sense and passion to deal with things in an emotional way.  It feel the two sides are constantly playing tug of war with my conscience.  Meaning, I want to let my female side take over 100%, but there are times (being i am only 9 months into HRT) that the male side still “rules the roost” of my brain.  As I travel down the path, the female side becomes stronger and is in control more and more, but the male side still rears his ugly head from time to time.  I guess you could say, at the moment, I am sort of walking “between worlds”.  I carry myself (at least i think) female, i dress (mostly) like a tomboy, everyone but my wife, doctor, therapist, and all my new wonderful friends within the community call me my female name.  Hearing my male name (when i am feeling particularly female just kills me.  It’s like a slap in the face.

On a side note, i love music, of nearly all types.  Sometimes i hear a song and it hits me like a ton of bricks; it’s like “geez, I feel like that’s me!”.  Two songs in particular are Second Chance  and The Crow and the Butterfly from Shinedown.  I’ll give you a few lines and explain what i mean.

Tell my mother, tell my father I’ve done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life, I hope they understand
I’m not angry, I’m just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

To me, this is like saying, yes my male side is going away “say goodbye”, but the second chance is meeting my female side, and I have to make the decision in my life that make sense, no matter how difficult, and painful for others they may be.  WHAT!? you think it was easy for ME to come to grips with it?


Please don’t cry one tear for me
I’m not afraid of what I have to say
This is my one and only voice
So listen close, it’s only for today

Basically, this part is like do worry about what i am embarking on, I can deal with it.  I am proud of who i am and what i am, so hear I am, take it or leave it.

Just like a crow chasing the butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
When you and I were getting
High as outer space, I never
Thought you’d slip away
I guess I was just a little too late

This to me sort of personifies the duality i face.  The crow is the male side of me, chasing the beautiful butterfly (female side).  It’s sort of how i feel if the butterfly is never caught (on one hand) like, i never get to go “all the way” with my transition.  And on the other hand, it’s just me, already the butterfly, trying to escape the crow side, in hopes it’s not too late in life for all of this.

OK, there it is.  My sort of obscure take of the duality of TGs.  Take of leave it.

M

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1 Comment

  1. wow… really nice blog…. wonderfully written…. i like it….

    visit mine… & plz plz plz put your comments…. Thank you…
    i’ll be in touch


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