My Wife

I wanted to say a few things about my wife…

She is a truthfully amazing person, whom without, I am positive I would rot away. She is understand, caring, loving, supportive, and most of all all MINE! I am the luckiest person in the world to have her, and if I ever lost her, i would be lost. I sit and think about her all day, worried about her, and hoping her day is going well. Her work is really stressful (due to a micro-managing boss-who thinks every mistake is the end of the fricken world!) She helps me with everything! She makes me feel so wonderful, and helps me a TON with my transition. She pushes me to shop, and even buys me clothes! I know i wouldn’t have the wardrobe i have if it wasn’t for her.

She sweet, funny, goofy, she “gets” me (not a lot of people do), and she is there to hold me in her arms when i need to cry (like this past weekend). I was in a severe downer mode, and she pulled me out of it. She calls me “her pretty” everyday when I pick her up from work. She makes me feel like i have worth! Something I truthfully NEVER felt until i met her. She loves me unconditionally, and puts up with a lot of crap from me. Believe it or not, i can be a huge pain in the butt! She inspires me, she completes me, she makes me feel like i can do anything.

My wife is the single most vital part of my life… I cannot say this enough. She is my heart, my soul, my all

I love you Sugarangel

M

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Alone in a crowded room

So, as many of my friends here know (as i posted last week, or whenever it was), I was having issues. Been depressed, sad, lost… Felt this way until probably friday or saturday (i think). Well, I seemed to be in better spirits over the weekend and even woke up in a pretty descent mood today. As the day grinds on, I get that familiar sinking feeling I had last week, and after talking to my fully transitioned (mtf) friend this morning, I kind of have a grasp on what’s going on. Although I haven’t been to a lot of TG events in the area yet, the few I have been to just felt weird. Not that I don’t fit in, i guess, but it’s more like the local TG group here is about 50% CDs. So, I know they are all very sweet, kind people.. but a pretty small percentage (i assume) do not fully grasp what I am going through, and that the “endgame” is GRS.

So, the event i went to I ended up in the kitchen (I posted about this before), with mostly all GGs. I guess I feel I can relate to them better. Anyway, I am going to go see my shrink (out of my regular schedule) because I think I need to get this out, and get some solid feedback from her. I know, and understand we all go through this, but it’s not easy to not have someone to talk to about it.

M

ok it’s coming I swear

I know this isn’t what I said would be coming, I am working on re-lettering the first couple of pages… while continuing on with the comic. (I’m actually pretty happy with it for the most part). Here’s a pic of two characters in the cast-these two are VERY important.

I will get into who they are very soon.

M

ps Obviously I set aside my superhero story for now, I just was inspired to tell this story first-I’ll explain it all later.

Bleh, whatever

So, things are not going so great. Really I am sure it’s all in my head, I just don’t feel me today. Yesterday I got girly’d up and went to target to do my shopping (i am prone to do at least 1-2 times a week). Well, I felt like i got several strange looks, and a stare or two, from the employees. Usually I feel pretty comfortable there, and have been “ma’amed” and “Miss-ed” several times. I guess I got over confident and maybe i am not ready to go full time, I guess I am farther away from being able to pass every day than i thought. Every time i pass a mirror today I frown, and think..dammit, you’re just not going to pull this off!

Maybe I need to slow down for a bit… I want to be who i was meant to be all the time, but geez, maybe I’m not there yet.

Not sure why i felt the need to post this here, but i guess I needed to get it out. Just depressed i guess…

Voice work

Been working on my voice on and off for the last 2 weeks..not sure how i am doing, need a thingy that measures my octive, just haven’t gotten around to it/ 😛 I do find my voice goes a little higher and softer when i talk to people out side of m family. My throat has been hurting of late so I have to take a break… I know doing this will make it sore, so i have to be careful.

I have been thinking A LOT about going full time. If you have read back, I did come out to my sister in law, I just need to do so with the other, and my nephew. I can “stealth” with my folks for awhile since they are 2k miles away. Last night my voice was really rough..prolly from being so upset about Ronnie James Dio still. Still tear up on occasion, not sure why, i should be celebrating his life and that he is no longer in pain. Heck, now he’s rockin with the higher powers. Lucky him.

dangit! I guess I shouldn’t have even written..I get going on here and my cat needs attention..and he is VERY insistent.


This is Arioch, my son 🙂 Soo cute!

Me or them-The “burden of being T”

Not sure it’s a burden but I will get into that (btw thanks for the post title SouthernBelle-You know who you are :P)

Oh ya, and on a side/sad note The great Hard Rock and Heavy Metal Icon Ronnie James Dio has passed away, he will be missed by all true metal fans. \m/ \m/ Now, rockin’ with God.

OK here we go, if I can keep it together. To me, being T is not a burden, but dealing with intolerance is. Many groups deal with it, and I am willing to bet that some even think being a minority is a burden. The ‘burden’ part of it is definitely having to sacrifice our selves, our TRUE selves for the sake of others sanity/comfort/whatever. In this day and age it’s ridiculous to think that any one group (or several int he case of the LGBT community) can be held down. Although the LGB part seems to be gaining a lot of ground under Obama, and the more democratic/reasonable) congress.

As far as being a burden, yes I suppose it can be, when, as a friend of mine said; (mtf) works most of their lives to be extra macho, and manly… supressing who we are for the sake of people around us. I guess I sort of posted something similar earlier (“How could you do this to me?”), but this is the more focused side of being T, and denying our selves. Yes we don’t unveil ourselves fully to anyone, being that we feel we have to keep our true nature locked up and away from people who may not understand or selfishly think we “did this to them”, that we hurt them purposefully, that we somehow don’t understand what it does to them. I want to scream shut the FUCK up when people say we lied, deceived, or even caused them pain when we do finally come out. Granted I have been blessed with a wonderfully understand and supportive wife, who loves me deeply, and seems to love who i really am as much if not more than who i pretended to be.

I may sound harsh, but frankly, i want to tell those people- “Lie, deceive you?! What do you think I have been doing for 30+ years?! The pain I have felt everyday! Being some idiot macho asshole, just to avoid persecution from frankly anyone.” it is indeed a burden being T, if in the sense of how others will take it when we come out. In my heart, mind and soul, I am finally becoming whole, becoming what i was meant to be, who i was meant to be. Now, I am not a harsh, mean person, but when people think life is easy for us, they are so wrong. For someone to think they feel more discomfort/pain/whatever than we do is lieing/deceiving themselves. I understand finding out someone you know/love/care for is T can be hard/painful/etc… but think about (in my case) lieing/deceiving/etc to myself for 30+ years. Dealing with the pain of not being accepted, not being able to come out and be whole, and happy. The pain we go through being something we are not, JUST to make others happy, then when we come out, it makes people SAD? upset? angry? hurt? what the FUCK ever! Try 30 years of that…. thirty damn years!!

M

Listening To- Dio-everything i can get my hands on! \m/ \m/

“We’ll know for the first time
If we’re evil or divine
We’re the last in line
We’re the last in line”

We love you!
RIP Ronnie James Dio

Came out to a family member/Going full time (again)

OK, so last night we were all hanging out waiting for the pizza to come (i know i know), and my wife was looking at sandels for me. Three colors and we were talking about it when one of her sisters (that we live with) came over and looked with us. When my wife said they were for me, her sister was like “those are girls shoes”, and I said “so”? Anyway, my wife asked her if she had noticed anything different with me… she said i had my finger and toe nails painted, and sometimes I wear make up (I actually wear it every day-but who’s counting). She mentioned my chest, and my sister in law said, hmm man, those are what A cups?! and i immediately tossed my arms across my chest LOL. She explained to her that i (as of June) will have been on hormone replacement therapy, and I was on the verge of getting my papers to legally change my name. So it was kind of light hearted, and NOT the way I thought it would go, but I think it was better than i figured. He other sister is a different story.

Saw my therapist this week, and she thinks i am making excuses for not going full time, and she’s probably right (my wife says the same thing). I am really starting to get more comfortable that’s for sure. Funny thing is, I usually never carry a purse (even though I just bought a new one). That would help I think, i get a lot of looks like (is that? a she?) LOL I guess I like making people guess. Anyway, i think I am going to get my name change papers when i see my doc in 2 months and go from there. See if i have the guts.

M
Listening to- The sounds of an Inn in world of warcraft running in the back ground LMAO