Me or them-The “burden of being T”

Not sure it’s a burden but I will get into that (btw thanks for the post title SouthernBelle-You know who you are :P)

Oh ya, and on a side/sad note The great Hard Rock and Heavy Metal Icon Ronnie James Dio has passed away, he will be missed by all true metal fans. \m/ \m/ Now, rockin’ with God.

OK here we go, if I can keep it together. To me, being T is not a burden, but dealing with intolerance is. Many groups deal with it, and I am willing to bet that some even think being a minority is a burden. The ‘burden’ part of it is definitely having to sacrifice our selves, our TRUE selves for the sake of others sanity/comfort/whatever. In this day and age it’s ridiculous to think that any one group (or several int he case of the LGBT community) can be held down. Although the LGB part seems to be gaining a lot of ground under Obama, and the more democratic/reasonable) congress.

As far as being a burden, yes I suppose it can be, when, as a friend of mine said; (mtf) works most of their lives to be extra macho, and manly… supressing who we are for the sake of people around us. I guess I sort of posted something similar earlier (“How could you do this to me?”), but this is the more focused side of being T, and denying our selves. Yes we don’t unveil ourselves fully to anyone, being that we feel we have to keep our true nature locked up and away from people who may not understand or selfishly think we “did this to them”, that we hurt them purposefully, that we somehow don’t understand what it does to them. I want to scream shut the FUCK up when people say we lied, deceived, or even caused them pain when we do finally come out. Granted I have been blessed with a wonderfully understand and supportive wife, who loves me deeply, and seems to love who i really am as much if not more than who i pretended to be.

I may sound harsh, but frankly, i want to tell those people- “Lie, deceive you?! What do you think I have been doing for 30+ years?! The pain I have felt everyday! Being some idiot macho asshole, just to avoid persecution from frankly anyone.” it is indeed a burden being T, if in the sense of how others will take it when we come out. In my heart, mind and soul, I am finally becoming whole, becoming what i was meant to be, who i was meant to be. Now, I am not a harsh, mean person, but when people think life is easy for us, they are so wrong. For someone to think they feel more discomfort/pain/whatever than we do is lieing/deceiving themselves. I understand finding out someone you know/love/care for is T can be hard/painful/etc… but think about (in my case) lieing/deceiving/etc to myself for 30+ years. Dealing with the pain of not being accepted, not being able to come out and be whole, and happy. The pain we go through being something we are not, JUST to make others happy, then when we come out, it makes people SAD? upset? angry? hurt? what the FUCK ever! Try 30 years of that…. thirty damn years!!

M

Listening To- Dio-everything i can get my hands on! \m/ \m/

“We’ll know for the first time
If we’re evil or divine
We’re the last in line
We’re the last in line”

We love you!
RIP Ronnie James Dio

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1 Comment

  1. When my husband and I packed up and left the city with our kids, almost every one of our family members reacted with “how could you do this to us?” How could we back out on the family, how could we leave them behind, how could we refuse to “be” there for them. So, I somewhat can relate to what you’re feeling here. And completely agree. Since when did it become about THEM?
    No one has a clue what you’ve been living with. The bitch of it is, they’re probably not going to stop and consider the lies you’ve been telling yourself, all in an effort to keep them happy. Stay sweet though, because there are those who’s lightbulbs will go on, the ones who will realize rather quickly that your bra size doesn’t dictate the size of your soul.
    I know our situations don’t really compare, but I want you to know that walking away from those who could never understand turned out to be easier than I ever thought it would be. It was hard only for a short while…until I realized how much happier I was now that I was fulfilling my own needs, instead of theirs.


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