Duplicate Blog?

No, I just wanted to let people know, if you happen across another blog with the name Lupine of Gaia Studios, that’s me. I am puttng up my webcomic there as well. That blog is for my family, and such that i have NOT come out to yet. So have no fear no one is stealing my work LOL not that anyone would 😛

Melanie

It is NOT a choice

OK, Since this has been pride week last week, There have been a ton of things on tv involving it, and I saw something where a church was exorcising “gayness” out of people. I saw a documentary on i think it was Uganda, and how they are trying to pass a bill to make being homosexuality punishable by death! The ironic thing about that, is Uganda (as far as i could tell) didn’t have an opinion one way or the other until American and British evangelicals went there and preached the wrongs of it. I still hear people here and there talk about how gays “choose” to live that life style and with some therapy, they can become ‘normal’ again. Now, I know we have all heard of people being married and having kids, then 20 years down the road coming out as gay. Then the religious far right will say, well he WAS straight, this must be some sort of choice, or whatever, let’s turn em back! To me, either that person was BI, and did what they thought was the “normal” thing to do by marrying, and having kids first. Then being true to themselves, and opening their minds up to who they really are. That person did not choose to be gay suddenly, society basically tells us that being gay is wrong, and a difficult path to walk, so people lie to themselves and “be straight”.

I look at Trans people (myself included) and we have a really difficult path to walk. (sorry about the whole path thing-working on my webcomic, and talk of the correct path and destiny has that on my mind-by the way some really cool stuff coming down the pipeline, i promise!) Being trans is definitely NOT something we could choose or not choose, i mean who would want to go through the stigma, and ridicule we go through …ON PURPOSE. Being stared at, and analyzed for every step we take, and every work we speak. Shit, if i wanted to look like a woman, I’d be a CD… it’s not looking like a woman, it’s being what we were meant to be born as. I was born in the wrong body, and transitioning is something I HAVE to do, to even my body with my mind. Now, I lied to myself for 30 years about being trans. I had always been attracted to women, and acted like a virile young man (i’m sure you can guess what i mean-lost my virginity at 14). Deep in my mind something was wrong, and when i figured it out, it completely consumed me until i was able to pursue it (thanks to my wonderfully supportive wife-Love you baby!)

I don’t know how many trans people actually read my blog, but I’m sure the things i am saying sound painfully familiar (or not-hell i don’t know if what i am going through is normal). Not saying being gay is easy, but you CAN hide it when absolutely necessary. Not saying you should ever have to hide it, but I would compare being trans to being a minority, you can’t hide your cultural background, just like we can’t hide the hints of masculinity we were born with and developed for the first (30 years like me), and unless we are really good, start really young, etc it’s tough to pass 100% of the time to 100% of the people we encounter-especially at the beginning like me.

So, yah, being gay, bi, trans, etc is not a choice, we are born this way, and people that don’t understand or accept that can sling it!

Melanie

Listening to-Shinedown-iTunes acoustic sessions

ps new web comic page going up in a moment.

I am a horrible person

Ok, I know it’s a drastic title, but let me explain.

You see, yesterday was pride day, and I, in my infinite wisdom brain farted, and forgot. Being exactly one year into my HRT, and being virtually full time (I will get to that in a minute), I guess in the back of my mind, I feel I should start being more active in the community here. I had seen a few weeks ago that pride was coming on the local social TG/CD event calender, but i guess it just skipped my mind for some dumb reason no doubt. I really wanted to be a part of it, march, watch, be at the booth…whatever, just be present. To the ladies at the local social group-I am so sorry. Sorry about a lot of things, but this one is huge in my mind. You see, I suck at keeping up appearances. What I mean is, I have rsvped for several events, and no-showed, I’ve actually only been to one event (and it was a pre-event-event). My wife tells me, just be me, and do the best I can at becoming Melanie, and maybe in the back of my mind or subconsciously I don’t want to be a part of things, or that it is not important enough to make the effort. Frankly I have no clue, but i feel awful about not at least going to pride. 😦

Am I a bag T-Girl? It’s weird, I feel bad for the Gems (The local social group) because i rsvp and no-show, so that’s one lest person to eat/whatever, but most of all, i feel bad that I am not representing myself within the community very well. I feel when I am 100% full time/name changed/etc, I won’t be accepted in the community because i haven’t made the effort from the start. Maybe I am being silly, but it kept me awake last night.

I was sitting here last night playing my new Death Knight on a new server in WoW, and my wife was watching the news, and they began a teaser about Pride being that day. I spun my head around and said dammit! I can’t believe i forgot!! So, we went to our room to watch Shutter Island (still not 100% how i feel about that one), which helped take my mine off it, then we turned off the tv and went to bed. She was out fast, but i tossed and turned for, what seemed like hours, thinking about why I missed Pride. Was I a ditz? Did I skip it on purpose? I don’t know, I never did figure it out. All I did figure out was how mad i was at myself for it.

Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent, air that out, and maybe figure out why i missed it. Maybe it isn’t a big deal to some people, but in my mind, i SHOULD be making more of an effort.

Melanie

Listening to-Nothing

A real update

So, I have been heavily focused on my comic as of late, and not really posting on my life in general. Well, I do have a bit of a living situation update. This past weekend, I came out to my 16 year old nephew and last night to my other sister in law that we live with. NOW, everyone in the house knows, and seems ok with it. The funniest response came from the sister in law last night. She turned to my wife and asked, “So, are you gay?” Nothing about me, just asking her sister if she’s gay LOL too funny. However my nephew seemed pretty shaken by the whole thing, but i think he’ll come around. As for me personally… I’m good. Need to schedule a dr appt for my one year (on hrt) checkup, and get my bloodwork done before that. My wife showed me a pic of me from a few years ago, and then one of me a few weeks ago, and wow have I changed more than i thought! I need to get them scanned/uploaded but i will toss them up here so you can see what i mean.

Also, I am a pretty happy girl these days (a nice departure from a few weeks ago). Although I did have a bit of an issue yesterday, we went to a buffet place here, and the family next to us seemed to be taking a lot of looks my way. Now, I know when someone is staring at me, and these people were doing just that. It was unnerving at the very least. Funny thing was, my wife said to ignore them, or she could beat them up! lol When I went to get a small second plate, she told me she “mean-mugged” them. She’s so cute, and so protective of me. She always tells me, may they were staring cuz you hot, or really tall lol maybe.

Anyway, life is going well, and I feel I am quite close to the official name change/gender marker. The next HUGE step..coming out to my parents. *bites nails* oh gawd!

Till next time
Melanie

Listening to the Sony press presentation at E3 😛 ya ya I am a nerd.

Web Comic!

OK finally got the first two pages up! I redrew them both, actually the second page, that’s my third attempt!

The quality isn’t great (dang scanner)… anyway, take a look (click the web comic link at the top)

thanks, and feel free to shred my work.

Melanie

Update! Page three is up! and as I stated on the web comic page, Mondays and Thursdays will be my posting days for it, thanks for reading!

Sorry I have been away

I know it’s been a LONG time since i have posted and for my loyal readers I apologize. As for me? Things are going well, or as well as to be expected. Chugging along, going out presenting more and more, just trying to get more and more comfortable. Working on coming out to the other two people i live with, apparently my other sister in law started asking the OTHER sister in law questions; “was he wearing make up?” “that shirt seemed feminine” LMAO So I think it’s about time to just tell her, and my nephew just to get it out there and over with. Maybe that will inspire me to come out to my mom as well. THAT one I have been trying to think about how to do for a LONG time.

My friend, who is a year out from her grs is having a rough go (lost her job, gf moved away) and it makes me sad I can’t help her, but she’s strong and smart and I know she will pull through. 😀 My wife is still having a rough go at work, she is such a soldier to carry on how she does, she is my hero, and my inspiration.

For those of you waiting for my web comic… it’s coming, instead of re-lettering those few pages, i have redrawn them! In a wierd reverse order- meaning three pages were redrawn, but i saved page one for last 😛 probably another afternoon (day) to finish. I also re-wrote some of the narration to give you a better feel of the story background (I also am throwing in some editorial comments as a redoubling of plot hooks, back story and some other details). I will put in a leader before the first 2-3 pages go up, to give you a feel for my universe, and just some general fluff and info. I am really excited to get it going. So stay tuned it should be coming together very soon.

My wife has made a few comments lately about how my body is changing..could be..i haven’t noticed much. She says i am losing my belly, but it sure doesn’t feel like it. My weight hasn’t dropped much since about 2 weeks ago, but we just started doing the curves diet again so we will see (lost 40 pounds last time we did it).

As I approach 1 year on HRT, even though I wish my progress was greater, I am excited for the next year and to see where things go. I wish i could get a couple of elective surgeries to improve my overall look, but my wife continues to insist i don’t need them. Anyway, i hate my nose (always have). I think things are looking up for me, and my wife. I feel the next year things are gonna change and get better for us. Not sure what it is, but lately i have felt like things are gonna turn around.

I think after my next dr appt i am gonna ask for my ID name change/gender marker change- i think it’s time to make that leap! To finally be as complete as i can be without surgery. I am nervous and excited to do it. BUT, that means I have to come out to a larger portion of the family, which i will, and if they don’t like it F-em! lol no, that’s fine, i don’t need anyone’s acceptance, except my wife and my own.

Well, i guess that’s enough for now, thanks for sticking by, see you all soon! (I swear) 😛

M

Listening to- Fozzy- Chasing the Grail