A huge weight off my shoulders

Well, I had another interesting weekend/or rather day on Sunday. Lately, I have been watching a lot of tv shows, documentaries, etc on coming out, and being trans. Seeing how well most of the families take it, has been making me want to come out to my folks, or at least my mom, as I wasn’t sure how my dad would take it. The last thing I would EVER want to do is upset, or disappoint my dad, he is such a inspiration in my life. I suppose you could say, knowing what a great, hard working, loving person he is inspired me to push on with my transition. I have been so terrified for so many years about telling them, for fear they would push me away, or be upset, or (god forbid) disown me. My life would be so hollow without them in it. So, if I was going to include them in my life forever, then I needed to tell them what has been going on in my life for the last couple of years.

Sooooooo… I did it! Well, the wife did it. lol I picked up my cell phone and called my folks! Chatted with mom for a bit, then dad, then I asked to talk to mom again. I told her, “I need to tell you something, but i want Bev to tell you.” I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold it together, and i was sure how to begin. Bev had said she would tell her, so I gave her the chance. I used the restroom (because you needed to read THAT detail, and while Bev was talking to her I left the room to do the laundry, once the loads were switched, i returned to find her crying. My heart was in my throat. But then i realized she was smiling though her tears. I finally took a breath, and went and sat on the bed. Just listening to her talk to my mom. Then she stood up and walked towards me, and i was thinking ‘oh gawd!’. She said something about mom wanted to hear from me. So, we talked for a bit, I think she was upset that I actually thought they wouldn’t love me anymore. She said, she doesn’t fully understand all of it, but they would work it out. She wanted to know about a resource, or a book or something, so I told her i’d find something for them to help. They do own 1 half of a book store back home, and she had easy access to getting a book, but wanted some details or info i am sure. I told her I’d find something for her, and actually I ended up just going on barnes and nobles.com and ordering a book for them, and had it shipped to them. Anyway, she wanted to know they don’t hate me, or disown me, and it will take them time to work through it, but they love me, and will stand by me. dammit I knew I’d start crying typing this.

So, anyway, I hung up and just bawled uncontrollably, I was so happy that mom accepted me. Then a little while later we went to our computers, and for some reason I checked the email we share that my dad uses to communicate with us. AND, there it was… a new email from my dad. Again my heart jumped to my throat… my heart was racing as I clicked on the email… I opened it to read the following;

Hi Matthew – Sue came up to the room and explained your conversation. No
problem. If you need to talk sometime give me a call. Not right now though as
I’m heading to the office. – – – Take care – – – Love you, Dad

note; I didn’t tell them my chosen name yet…

Just as my eyes were drying up after the last cry, it started all over, i turned my monitor so Bev could read what he wrote, as i sat there in silence. All she said was “wow”…”wow”… I am such an incredibly lucky girl, a wonderfully supportive wife, and parents who “get it”, and understand it is my life, and I have to be what I have to be. I wrote a short note back, this is what I typed through the tears of utter joy;

I love you two VERY much, you two, besides Bev are my closest friends, and your acceptance is VITAL to my sanity, and pushing forward. Mom asked about a book, well i am going to barnes and nobles tomorrow to buy one for you guys. I love you two more than I could ever explain.

Thank you for being so wonderful,
your “son” Matthew

Needless to say I am so relieved and so incredibly happy! My life can now continue…

Thank you all for reading this most important (thus far) update on my life
Melanie Dawn

Listening to- “just Awesomesauce” (just a bunch of songs I love)

Blah!!!

So, I am down a bit today, sad i suppose. I have been having trouble lately being me. As strange as that sounds I feel like I am stranded. Not in life, in transition. I am have been seriously thinking about coming out to my mom (at least), but I am so nervous. I have been watching a lot of trans-related documentaries, and movies, and shows. It seems like most of the parents/friends are actually ok with it, but knowing my parents I just know i will be cut off from my family. I think my mom will handle it better, but I know it would kill my dad, and my brother, eh, who cares, we don’t talk anyway. I haven’t been to my therapist in awhile, so I am going late next week, and I think I need to possibly go to the local support group meeting again soon… not being around anyone like me sucks!

There was a casual event this weekend, but it had to be canceled due to an injury in one of our hostesses. Kinda shot my weekend, but i shouldn’t be so damn selfish. I have tried to draw, write, paint, and it’s just not working out. I have zero inspiration. Hopefully the wife and I can just spend a LOT of time together, and I can get over this. I don’t know… this sort of thing is happening more than I care to admit. It sucks! I cried a ton at those shows i watched. Seeing the acceptance those families showed to their trans kids was amazing, and made me so jealous! Sometimes I wonder if they will ever know, if I will ever finish my transition, or will i be stranded in this sort of gender limbo?

Geez! am I a fuckin whiner or what!? Oh well…

Melanie Dawn

Listening to- Disturbed Another Way to Die

Movie recommendation- Ma Vie en Rose (My life in Pink)

Listen to SImply Awesomesauce


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MtF-FtM/coming out

Obviously I have zero experience with FtM, i don’t think I have ever met one i real life, but i have been watching a lot of specials, and shows, and such about both sides, and something I noticed this morning I thought was interesting. I had always heard FtM bottom surgery was very difficult, but while watching a series of specials MSNBC was showing last week, Marcy Bowers did three in a morning! Granted the weren’t phaloplasty (sp?) but she doesn’t like to do that surgery, she says it’s not as “good” as the one she did on her three patients. I was so shocked by how ‘easy’ it seemed ad how fast the guys recovered. I mean it seemed like every thing was nearly 100% back to normal within a month or so, when i believe MtF bottom surgery can take literally months, if not years to be 100%! granted I don’t know for sure the time table, and I am sure they are different for everyone. I have a just over one year post op friend (whom never talks to me any more :)-gotcha Rebecca), I have a bunch of questions for, so maybe one day i will be better educated.

I realize transitioning as a whole is NOT an easy thing, and that surgery of any kind has it’s risks and rewards (I hope to one day get my surgery-hard to see it at the moment), but over all, from what I can see from a distance, FtMs seem to have faster more definitive results from T. I mean these three guys on the show I watched this morning looked like GG (genetic guys :P), sometimes their voices seem highish, but over all you’d never pick them out of a crowd. just sayin’.

OK, my wife has been a busy beaver at her work..not with work (she’s always busy with that), no, with her telling all her coworkers about me. Not a huge deal, as i went to school there for 3 years, graduating twice. So, I know a lot of them, but i took her lunch today, and she still hadn’t told 2-3 people. So they were in for a bit of a shock LOL It was hilarious… one of my former instructors walked into the break room, and looked at me… then my wife told him what was going on, and he said; “DUDE!”, and i causally said, “Not anymore.” and we all laughed. even though i shock like crazy the whole time, it went really well. VERY helpful, that most people were like “OH! well, congratulations.” Made me feel good.

Well, I should cut this short, I have a doctors appointment this afternoon, i think i have some sort of ear infection 😦

Melanie Dawn

Listening to – Simple Awesomesauce (just a random assortment of songs i love, not I need to figure out what’s wrong with my cd burner.

Me!

Exciting morning

So, today is Friday, August 20th 2010. Not a date, as far as I know that will stick out in most people’s minds. Today was HUGE day for me. The wife and i got up and headed downtown about 9ish (a little earlier). Anyway, The reason we went down town was I had something I needed to do.

I had a hard time sleeping last night, my stomach turned and tossed all night. I woke up and got ready… hands shaking like crazy, we jumped in the car, and headed out. After we got down town, we drive around for what seemed like an eternity trying to find a parking spot. Til we did, actually only a block away from our destination. We went in the large office building,and found where we needed to go, I took and number and we sat down. I think we waited about 30 minutes, maybe longer. Seemed like and eternity, it was so hot, and I was still shaking like a leaf. Then the lady announced a number, MY number… I swallowed hard and we walked up to the window. I set down my purse, took out my papers, and in a shaking quiet voice said; “Hi, I need to file the paperwork to change my name.”

THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT’S right!! I did it, after all my laziness, and putting it off, I finally have the order in to change my name legally to Melanie!! I shook so bad the whole time! The girl was so very kind, and instead of me having to jump out of line to make copies, she did it for me (hush hush). After all was said and done, I went out and after some confusion, found my way to the new paper office in the area, and filed for an announcement. FOUR WEEKS they will post it, in case someone has issue with it.

Needless to say I am flying right now! The second leg of the journey has begun! What an awesome feeling!

Melanie Dawn (legally soon :D)

Listening to Gaia (my cat) howling in the kitchen LOL

Accepting the Inevitable

I suppose as I move down this path we call transition, and i suppose life… one thing has become VERY clear. Although I want to transition, and really i MUST do so, sometimes I wonder if I will feel 100% happy when i am all done. Now, I am not doubting my path, I know becoming physically what i have always felt mentally is my ultimate goal, and one i will pursue relentlessly as long as it takes. Ii guess what I mean by accepting the inevitable is; outwardly appearing I may not feel all the way there, or what I think I should look like. I know, very few people are 100% happy with the way they look, male, female, tg, other, and being an artist, and knowing how i would normally drawn a female form, I know in my mind i will never be what i picture in my mind as a woman. It’s something I must accept as (you guessed it) inevitable.

I may not have the curves i desire, the legs I want, or the bust size I’d like, but one can always dream. You never know, i may win the lottery, or as my fortune said last time I had Chinese, come into money and travel the world. Now, as vain as this all sounds, the “coming into money” part would be great. I realize I have college loans, and past due things that should be dealt with first, but I can’t stop thinking, if I did come into a bunch of money, i would first fast track my surgery, pay off debts, buy the car I want (it IS only 20k after all), buy my wife whatever she wants, then after all that, if there’s any left over… sadly I would definitely look into plastic surgery-Breast augmentation, lap-band/liposuction/whatever, nose job… ironically, i think the one thing i would not do, that a lot of TGs mtfs do, is facial feminization surgery. I don’t really want to lose too much of who I am.

It may not sound like it, but I do love myself, and I know i will be beyond happy to finally have SRS (someday), but I suppose there’s always something beyond. I mean, who really is 100% content with what they have, and could never want more? Needless to say, I will be happy, but i have a feeling I will never be 100% “complete”..which is fine… gives me room to grown in my next life. 🙂

Melanie Dawn

Listening to- the sounds of life around me.

Being Uneasy

As I talked about (2 posts down or so), lately I have been wondering how to get back to my old outgoing self, while maintaining Melanie. Well, it’s becoming an issue for me now. Granted, not a HUGE issue, but it could get worse. I still do my normal shopping at Target 1-2 times a week. Before you yell at me, I know about target donating to an anti-gay rights politician, and I get why I shouldn’t shop there. Anyway, I have no issue, or very little of an issue shopping there, BUT, I really need to go to Ulta (a cosmetics shop like right next door), and I just can’t seem to do it. I don’t know why, I tell myself; “self, you need to get get some foundation and warmth (blush for bare minerals), and as far as I know only Ulta in the area carries it. So go kid, go!” Well, the more I dwell on it, the more I tell myself “tomorrow” I will go tomorrow. This has been going on since Monday or so. I told my wife while taking her to work today, and she said we could go together tonight after work. I told her I feel so much more comfortable going places with her, but I’m not sure why. She said; “it’s because if anyone looks at you weird, I just ‘mean-mug’ them.”

She’s so good to me 😀

Anyway, I need to figure this out… guess it’s time to see the therapist again.

Melanie

Listening to-Nothing I have a headache