Being Uneasy

As I talked about (2 posts down or so), lately I have been wondering how to get back to my old outgoing self, while maintaining Melanie. Well, it’s becoming an issue for me now. Granted, not a HUGE issue, but it could get worse. I still do my normal shopping at Target 1-2 times a week. Before you yell at me, I know about target donating to an anti-gay rights politician, and I get why I shouldn’t shop there. Anyway, I have no issue, or very little of an issue shopping there, BUT, I really need to go to Ulta (a cosmetics shop like right next door), and I just can’t seem to do it. I don’t know why, I tell myself; “self, you need to get get some foundation and warmth (blush for bare minerals), and as far as I know only Ulta in the area carries it. So go kid, go!” Well, the more I dwell on it, the more I tell myself “tomorrow” I will go tomorrow. This has been going on since Monday or so. I told my wife while taking her to work today, and she said we could go together tonight after work. I told her I feel so much more comfortable going places with her, but I’m not sure why. She said; “it’s because if anyone looks at you weird, I just ‘mean-mug’ them.”

She’s so good to me 😀

Anyway, I need to figure this out… guess it’s time to see the therapist again.

Melanie

Listening to-Nothing I have a headache

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2 Comments

  1. Here I go, spouting my honest opinion again…let’s see if I can get this out right, without hurting any feelings.
    Sometimes I read your blog and I get the feeling that you *think* you SHOULD be embarrassed or ashamed. (I sense underneath it all that you really aren’t embarrassed or ashamed, but that every now and then, you feel as if you SHOULD be) I could be way off…afterall, I’m just reading the story of a woman that I don’t truly know.
    And sometimes, I think that’s what gets in the way of you being who you truly are.
    It’s like you have put up a wall, and behind that wall, you’re a vibrant woman, with a whooole lot of personality. It’s not just that you have put up a wall that strikes me, it’s that sometimes, I get the impression that you think you NEED to put up that wall. And because of that, you’re not giving yourself a fair chance. You’re not giving yourself the credit you deserve that you will handle things that come your way.
    Why SHOULDN’T you walk into that makeup store? From the get go you’ve got yourself convinced that you don’t belong there, when in fact, you should be dwelling on all the reasons you deserve to go in there and make yourself happy.
    And if worst comes to worst…get that fabulous wife of your’s to teach you how to “mean-mug”. It’s time for you to get a bit of a bitch on, and make the world realize who you are.

    • It’s not exactly that i feel like i think I should be embarrassed, it’s I am still unsure of my appearance, and I don’t want to be outed, or glared at because I don’t pass. So of course i do put up a wall, but only when I am alone. if the wife and I are shopping or whatever, i am more comfortable, she’s like a buffer zone for me i guess.

      As a matter of fact, when i go out alone i wear my sunglasses throughout the store. Even if it’s kinda dark in there. I went to Safeway today (hopefully to change away from Target), and it was pretty dark in there, and of course I kept my sunglasses on, as If someone would be able to read me without them on. I did feel better at the check out when i got ma’am-ed like 5 times, and both ladies tried to figure out how to pronounce my last name. (lots of Es..good Irish name hehe.)


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