Accepting the Inevitable

I suppose as I move down this path we call transition, and i suppose life… one thing has become VERY clear. Although I want to transition, and really i MUST do so, sometimes I wonder if I will feel 100% happy when i am all done. Now, I am not doubting my path, I know becoming physically what i have always felt mentally is my ultimate goal, and one i will pursue relentlessly as long as it takes. Ii guess what I mean by accepting the inevitable is; outwardly appearing I may not feel all the way there, or what I think I should look like. I know, very few people are 100% happy with the way they look, male, female, tg, other, and being an artist, and knowing how i would normally drawn a female form, I know in my mind i will never be what i picture in my mind as a woman. It’s something I must accept as (you guessed it) inevitable.

I may not have the curves i desire, the legs I want, or the bust size I’d like, but one can always dream. You never know, i may win the lottery, or as my fortune said last time I had Chinese, come into money and travel the world. Now, as vain as this all sounds, the “coming into money” part would be great. I realize I have college loans, and past due things that should be dealt with first, but I can’t stop thinking, if I did come into a bunch of money, i would first fast track my surgery, pay off debts, buy the car I want (it IS only 20k after all), buy my wife whatever she wants, then after all that, if there’s any left over… sadly I would definitely look into plastic surgery-Breast augmentation, lap-band/liposuction/whatever, nose job… ironically, i think the one thing i would not do, that a lot of TGs mtfs do, is facial feminization surgery. I don’t really want to lose too much of who I am.

It may not sound like it, but I do love myself, and I know i will be beyond happy to finally have SRS (someday), but I suppose there’s always something beyond. I mean, who really is 100% content with what they have, and could never want more? Needless to say, I will be happy, but i have a feeling I will never be 100% “complete”..which is fine… gives me room to grown in my next life. 🙂

Melanie Dawn

Listening to- the sounds of life around me.



  1. I once felt like you do, especially during the last two years during my transition. But after finally getting through to the other side, I have to admit that the “being me authentically” part has largely left the other parts as not as important to me. I see my slight brow ridge, my large 6 ft frame, and big feet, and then I look in the mirror to see the woman I am…and it freaking rocks. I’m not perfect, far from it. But I’m grateful I did what was necessary. Any future FFS would be nice, but the validation I receive today gives me a lot of confidence to know that I can finally live as normal a life as I could have hoped for.

    It will never get easy, and you’ll always find faults in your body, your weight, your looks. But then again, if you didn’t , you wouldn’t be like the rest of us women!

    • lol thanks for your insite, it’s wonderful to hear from someone with your experiences. I get the big feet (sz 12ish-women’s) and large frame-try 6’2″. :O

      Believe me i will always find daults, but i think once srs is done with, I will exhale, and finally feel complete.


      • There’s no doubt in my mind that if you recognize this as the true path for you, you will surely be able to cope with all the other self-confidence and self-worth issues that you will likely deal with after transition. Keep the faith and stay true to yourself girl! Hugs

  2. Thanks Lori! I appreciate your wisdom 🙂

  3. This may be a little off the cuff….but WOW, was that ever a girly post!
    I am in the same boat, as are most women I think. I will never, ever be on the outside, the woman I am on the inside. On the inside, emotionally and mentally, I am a tall curvy woman, with a long lean neck, I have legs that go on for miles…I am the Shania Twain of short people. Because on the outside, I’m four foot nine inches tall, and about the same size around, with a size two foot. I loookaaa likeaaaa child. At forty years old, I get carded for ID at the bar, while my 21 year old daughter strolls right in. Now one might think “That’s awesome”. But it’s not. It sucks huge donkey ass. I can never wear the clothes I want, I can never wear the shoes I want. Because the world just doesn’t make them in my size. I will never look on the outside like the Diva that lives on the inside.
    As women, you’re right, on the outside we’ll never be “complete”. But this post just goes to show, that it truly is what’s on the inside that makes all the difference.

    • You’re right… i’m sure that without thousands of dollars of plastic surgery, i will never feel “complete”, but I suppose I have to come to grips with who i am, and just improve what i can.

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