So soon?

Ayep! another post. After the last one, i felt like I should get into the reason I began that post (being all the legal stuff is on hold for another 5 days or whatever.

So, ya I am a happy camper these days overall. I feel like I am finally fitting in in the female world…good thing as my name change becomes legal on October first!! I get the feeling I am gonna do ok with this “new life”. Those of you who have followed me for quite some time know that I have questioned myself all along the way, and wondered if I could “pull this off”. Funny thing happened, I took a LONG look in the mirror and realized I had been “pulling it off” for quite some time. I feel so very female these days, I feel like Melanie is who I have always been, and that Matthew was a mask I finally took off. I feel liberated, I feel free, I feel…sadly still a little sick 😛 HEH! But ya, I feel like things are gonna work out just fine. I think this all started with my coming out to my folks. Once they knew and seemed to be ok (I mean they still talk to me) I could finally exhale and get this monkey off my back.

It’s funny how after I told my folks, and my mom expressed needing/wanting a book to help in the acceptance/understanding of the situation, now I am writing and drawing again. Like I was stifled due to them not knowing and the stress of wanting to tell them. Now that they know, I am creatively flowing again 🙂 ya for me! I have to laugh to myself these days, as when i look int he mirror what I see is different than what i used to see. Six months ago, i saw Melanie trying to come out, but still Matthew as the “ruling” appearance/whatever… NOW I see Melanie almost totally, and if Matthew’s there, I can’t see much of him. Maybe just the chickenpox scar above my eye, but you know, he’s nearly gone, a shadow of a memory, and I couldn’t be happier. When I was in therapy in Des Moines my therapist tried to “cure” me of this, and I was so incredibly depressed, because what little bits of Melanie i did see faded to nearly oblivion. I wanted to die… I have never let her go completely, even from being a 5 year old and knowing there was a little girl in me… I think she was more of invisible friend then (since I had no idea what Gender Dysphoria, or Transsexualism were). When I was a young adult I went to therapy because I had severe anger issues, honestly I didn’t know what it was from, I figured I just was a unhappy/angry person. I knew deep inside what was wrong by then, where the anger stemmed from, but i was scared to even tell my therapist about it, worried that it would somehow get back to my parents. Poor Mike (my therapist) we never did come to any resolutions about my anger, and I suppose that has to be a little frustrating.

Well, Rosemary, my therapist here in Nor Cal is wonderful! I think I am her first Trans client, but she has really worked with me to help me with all the roadblocks and speed bumps along the way. I am really lucky to have found her, as well as my gender doctor Carol, she is trans as well, and so awesome! The two of them have been angels for me, and I could never thank them enough for all they have done for me.

As I said before, my mom wanted a book so i got her one… it’s called True Selves (or something)… it’s got a ton of technical stuff as it’s not just for friends and family, but professionals as well. I’m a little under half was through it, and I have issue with some things in it, but it’s not a big deal. For a book that has a lot of “testimonials” there’s a pretty narrow view of some thing. Overall it’s a good book (so far), and if anyone who reads this wants more understanding, or needs to help someone else understand, i highly recommend it. here’s a link to it.

Anyway, back to what I meant to talk about…GEEZ i am a rambler (not the car:P) Happy happy… I haven’t been as diligent as I should be about my weight loss, but the wife and i are putting in a plan to push it. She wants off her Diabetic meds/etc, and I want to eventually get into a 14/16 😀 Smaller would of course be better, but i have to keep my goals reasonable. So ya, I am happy with my progress thus far (finally!), and now I am on cruise control headed down this LONG road.

Thanks for reading again!

Melanie

Listening to Shinedown

Every night of my life I watch angels fall from the sky
Every time that the sun still sets
I pray they don’t take mine

Sorry, I just LOVE that verse!

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2 Comments

  1. It’s so freeing when you’re finally able to live life the way you were meant to live it, isn’t it? When we finally get to throw away the masks, not matter what they are, lightbulbs go on everywhere and the colours become brighter. From here on out, you’ll be able to make every moment fulfilling, because you’ll get to do it YOUR way. Enjoy this LONG road, you went through a lot to get here, but now you get to really live.

    • Exactly! It’s like coming out to my folks I could finally “exhale”, and now I feel like I can really breathe, and it’s wonderful!


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