Bah Humbug!…. ooorrrr not…

OK, so i am not a huge fan of X Mas, and even less so the older I get. This year would be my first year as Melanie to family… other than the people I live with. I mean I guess they know, or rather knew (via someone i am NOT related to opening his big stupid mouth. when he had no right to), but none of them have seen me. Anyway, i have been stressing about this visit for sometime, and even had a nightmare about it going horribly wrong. I was freaking out! I woke up today REALLY not wanting to go, for fear of rejection which my (always) level-headed wife said was not going to be there. I usually trust her, but this time I could not shake the feeling things were going to be uncomfortable in the very least, down right bad or worse (in the very worse). So, we were driving out there my wonderful wife was trying to be silly, and lighten my very dark mood. I kept telling her before we left; “I don’t want to go, i don’t want to go”, but for her, I relented and we went. It was raining, trying to destroy any possible good mood i could slip into, but my wife wouldn’t let that happen.

We arrived at her brother’s house, and boy was I nervous! I just wanted to scream and run away. We went in, I got hellos (using the right name), and hugs. So far so good. We played pictionary, and ate, and watched the kids open gifts. I had not any sense of ridicule or disdain. I was pleasantly surprised. All in all I had a great time! miss my folks like crazy, but this was great! As we were getting ready to leave I wanted to get our hosts (brother and sister-in-law) and thanks them personally for their acceptance. I asked my wife if they thought that would be weird, and she said no. So, we tracked down her brother, and then the three of us tracked down his wife and pulled them aside. (hormones took over) I couldn’t express my thanks the way i wanted, i started tearing up and just eeked out a thank you, and a big hugs. We all walked out to the garage and from there our car, but we stopped to thank them again, and wife told them up til this morning i wasn’t going to go. She turned and smiled at me, and the other two did as well, and I started to cry, I turned away, which got giggles. She said goodbye to them and we headed to the car. I got in and almost lost it. i was so thrilled by the love and acceptance I was show, and this will be locked in my memory for years to come. This was huge for me, and I could never thank them enough!

Needless to say, normally I would end any blog entry around X Mas with a “BAH HUMBUG!”. but this time, it’s Merry X Mas! I hope everyone who visits and reads this blog has a safe, and happy holiday season, and a wonderful new year.

GAWD! what a softy I have become! 😉

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Lookie lookie do I get a cookie?

Hey y’all! I know I haven’t been exceptionally active here lately, but with the 30 characters in 30 days challenge i really devoted a LOT of time to that (and yet I still failed) /cry. It was a blast, and I will get them up over here, as well as finishing it over the next month. I have also been formulating over the last few days a new (for me) sci-fi universe. I am thinking of starting a second blog for my art, and other assorted creations. As to not fill up this one with stuff y’all didn’t come here to see/read. Anyway, that’s that.

So, me.. my transition.. going good. I am a happy girl! Every time I look in the mirror I smile. Ya know, I’m kinda cute 😛 hehe egotistical/ maybe a tad. Actually I am really seeing Melanie “full time” when I look. I can barely see any lingering portions of Matthew if at all. It’s an awesome feeling, I am really thrilled… for the first time in my life i feel truly whole. I can’t even begin to explain how that feels after 37 years of feeling at least partially empty, or missing something. Maybe some of you do get it, but i imagine most people just know what they are, and who they are, and except for minor physical defaults they are basically complete. Growing up in small town Midwest I knew these growing feelings of not being in the correct body had to be snuffed out as best as I could, and shoved far away. As i formed an opinion/personality as an adult (in Chicago) I was like, HOLY SHIT! Life doesn’t have to be this way, I CAN be me! Melanie had been starving to come out for a LONG time. Even then, I held her down, let her linger in darkness and near oblivion. I was a miserable person, inside and out. I had toxic relationships, and wasn’t the best friend I could have been. I know this, and I am truly sorry. I was so self absorbed and shut off, it must have stunk to be around me. I know I didn’t like being around me…even a little. Ya, sure, I went out, gamed, drank, etc etc but that wasn’t me… I didn’t wanna be that guy sitting in the corner sulking/skulking, I wanted to be that girl… dancing, spinning, smiling, free from hang ups, worries, at least for a few hours. That just wasn’t to be.

Now, after being with my wife for nearly a decade (just over actually), I am FINALLY me! Melanie Dawn! How freakin awesome is that!? So happy… I know I haven’t been the best spouse, partner, whatever… but i think I am doing so much better, and I know I have a LONG way to go. As Melanie develops even more, I will become more at peace with me, and that truly keeps me going.

Did I mention I am kinda cute! hehe…

So, ya… this whole transition has really forced me to look inward, inward on a completely different level than when i was younger and so self-absorbed in a bad way. I can truly see who I am on a spiritual level, on a conscience level, on a level I really never knew existed, and it is indeed scary, but in a wonderful way. I really see who I am. While not easy to face some of the harsh truths, it has been so worth it!

On a side note… the boy clothes are going away! I started to gather them up.. gonna take them to goodwill in the next week or so me thinks. Anyway, thanks for reading, see ya soon!

Melanie Dawn

Listening to Savatage- Still the Orchestra Plays-vol 1 & 2