So, it’s been awhile…

Here I am, sitting here in my chair, just watched “Spies Like Us”, and thinking about my life.  As I feel like I still am unsure if my folks truly accept me.  If I don’t call them, I never talk to them.  Now, I get that it’s really difficult to understand, and comprehend, but I wonder if they will even be able to look at me in the face.  I sent them a book, I told them if they have any questions I will do everything in my power to answer as best and truthfully as possible. 

I fully accept who and what I am, hell, except for my weight, i’m pretty happy with” me”.  I am, however, going to try and get a consultation with a bariatric sugeon this week.  For some reason I just don’t give a shit what people think of me, except for my parents. 

I lost momentum on my “30 characters in 30 days” challenge, but I need to step it up and see if I can knock the rest out before the end of the week.

Anyway, gotta run and pick up Bev from work.

Melanie

Another rant………. of sorts.

Be prepared, this may be slightly ranty or whiney, but it really isn’t meant to be.

Ok, I have had a few things on my mind for the last week or so, as I sit here listening to my deadbeat bigot nephew talk about buying alcohol and cigarettes (classy guy as he has a kid on the way, and he’s on welfare), and thinking about LBGT rights. I was watching a little of the election returns, and saw Rand Paul (or whatever his name is) is the projected winner in his state. This TERRIFIES me! If more of these FAR right, extreme politicians get into the government, we (LBGT people) could be in a lot of trouble. What little rights we DO have will be gone inside 6 months. The fight for gay marriage will be all but over. I am not a nihilist, but i AM a realist. This country is leaning frighteningly to the far right. Most liberals should be terrified by the apparent direction things are going, what rights any of us have that could be considered “liberal” will be under attack… can you say pro choice? Knowing my nephew hates me (he’s for prop 8) and totally unapologetic, makes me sick when he’s around, and fear for our future. It’s funny that pundits on tv say the younger generation is less “up in arms about gay rights”, and have a “i don’t care, whatever” attitude is crap. Obviously, my nephew and his pregnant girlfriend are both anit-gay rights and they are considerable younger than myself. The younger people seems to hate as much as the older generation. Sad… very sad.

Ok enough of that, now onto something positive. This half of my post should be called “where’s Matthew?”

More and more when i look in the mirror, I don’t see him. Not that I’m complaining, but it’s funny… I never thought I’d ever see him completely gone. I will stand and look in the mirror, and TRY to find him. He’s just not there. All I see is Melanie. And ya know what? She’s pretty cute 😛 (wife says I have to be more positive about me). I just FEEL more Melanie everyday I look in the mirror and not see Matthew. It’s a pretty cool feeling, and it makes me grin when all I see is Melanie. I LOVE love LOVE getting dressed in the morning. I wear a skirt a lot, i love my skirt. I love feeling girly, and my skirt does that. I haven’t gotten a dress yet, i want to lose some more weight, but I can’t WAIT to get one! Anyway, I wanted to be positive after all the negative.

Melanie Dawn

ps on a side note, I am involved in fun little challenge called 30 character in 30 days that runs this entire month. Here’s a link to my page, please feel free to stop by and drop me a comment (good or bad).
Like below
http://www.30characters.com/author/mshamanm/

Hit on, or oogled?

So, there I was this morning, driving to Safeway, after dropping my wife off at work. Minding my own business, when I realize, no matter how fast I drive, there’s a truck traveling right next to me, keeping pace. That always unnerves me, when someone drives RIGHT next to you, it’s like you have no “out” if the idiot in front of you stops short or drives really slow. you see most people on the road ARE in fact idiots. Anyway, I glance over and there’s a guy in the truck smiling at me… ok this is new to me, so I smile back, and turn my attention back to the road. I try to be safe driver ya know, except for the speeding thing. So, I notice out of the corner of my eye, he is STILL right there! So I look again, and he smiles and does a sort of “wow” motion with his mouth. OK, now I am really nervous… not sure if I should be concerned or flattered. So i steal another glance, and he does it again and holds his hand out in front of his chest like he’s grabbing a boob! I gasped, and covered my chest with my hand. I happened to be wearing my only low cut blouse, but the seat belt was covering me. I have grown a little, like MAYBE a VERY small B. For some reason this made me really uncomfortable, and I sped away, and ironically he slowed way down, and made every efforts to catch the next red light, while i tried to miss it. We both got caught at it, but he drove SUPER slow, I saw cars weave around him. So I went and got gas, and got a few things at the store, and went home.

When I got home I started to think about it, and was soooo offended by that asshole! he was messing with me! Trying to make me feel good, then be an ass, and objectify me! ME! It really wrecked my day! I wanted to cry… some asshole was messing with me, and making fun of me. Dammit! I told my wife about it and she said she didn’t think he was messing with me, she said that’s how guys are. Not you though, you’ve never been a guy. She’s so funny. One of her coworkers told her to tell me “Welcome to womanhood”. GAWD! If that’s the way it is, I am scared. Guys are disgusting pigs!

On the way home tonight, she asked me if he was cute… I said no, he was average at best. I can’t believe I would even rate a guy. lol Anyway, that was my day today, I was really shook up and my stomach was upset, and I wanted to cry. GAWD men suck!

“Alone”

Not sure how long this will be as I am typing it on my phone.  So ya, I went to a local tg group halloween party this past weekend, and all it really did was reinforce the feeling that I will not ever fit in anywhere.  I think my wife and I will havd to be our own support group from now on. 

I doubt I will evee fit in anywhere,  I suppose I just feel at least legally I am Melanie, and I will have that much when I die.  I seriously doubt I will ever be able to afford my surgery, but at least my tombstone will have the right name. 

I know I sound whiney, or whatever, but I had to vent a bit.  It’s just something I have been thinking about for some time, and after this weekend it really hit home.  I guess that’s all.

Melanie

I guess you could say my transition is over, as there will be no further steps forward,

Document changing

So, Tuesday I went to the social security administration to get a new card issued, and it went pretty quickly, about 20th in line or so, not busy at all. The lady wasn’t very talkative, she said I had to answer a few questions (I heard the next person over get asked a battery of questions), but all she asked me was that if i understood I had to answer to the best of my knowledge, or face legal issues. I said yes, and that was it. Not sure if it was me, or her, but she showed me the form to make sure the data was correct, it was. She gave me a receipt and sent me on my way. Weirdly, that night, Bev looked at the receipt and saw the address was wrong! So yesterday morning I called and they said I had to call on the same day, now my card would not get delivered and I have to go BACK down there and apply for another! I was going to go today, but Bev said just relax today, I guess I’ll go tomorrow, but I was hoping to go to the DMV this week as well. Just frustrated and annoyed. Had to vent a bit.

Mel

New Beginnings

So ya, my last post was a little short, but no less important or exciting than any other post I have written. It’s official, my chosen name is now my legal name. Now I have to wait for the paperwork to be finalized at the courthouse so I can get copies to take to the DMV, the bank, etc. I can finally totally move forward, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. I feel a little like my life has been on hold while I waited for this to be done. The day the ruling was supposed to be handed down, or rather the day before, I nearly had a nervous breakdown! I was hyperventilating, and crying uncontrollably. My friend Rebecca chatted with me a bit, and helped me calm down. I felt such anguish and pain, I hadn’t felt like that since my actually nervous breakdown nearly 12 years ago, when I lived in LA. And that was for nothing (as far I as i know). I felt like my heart was gonna explode, It’s a horrendous experience waiting to see if I can go on living as who I was born to be, or have to go in front of a judge and explain it. I was told repeatedly that rarely happens, but with MY luck, I figured I would have to go through that. It’s rather funny how much I worry about everything with my transition, and the reality as to how easily it has gone. Not that it’s been perfect, but all the horror stories I have heard… I guess, so far, I have lucked out. knock on wood

So, it’s October, Samhain is around the corner, and the leaves are FINALLY changing here. I was taking Bev to work this morning and she said, “Hey, it’s fall!” Meaning she saw a bunch of leaves on the road, and slowly the trees are turning. It brought a smile across my face, I love autumn-a time of renewal, and to begin anew. I feel like Autumn is like MY season. As I am beginning anew with a large portion of my life. Wonderful that it’s starting to cool off, the leave turning, and my name change came down as all this was beginning. I hope to have my SRS in the fall… October is such an awesome month. I would LOVE to have my “second birthday” in October. I have been VERY lazy about keeping up with my Sabbats, BUT that will all change, my mind can refocus finally… Bev and I are planning a ritual at the new (full?) moon, I can’t remember which LOL We will write down our bad habits on one leaf and a good one on another, crushing the bad under our heels, to abolish it, and move past it. (I have JUST the boots too :P).

My wife is so awesome! She wants to buy me a “girly” ring to replace my wedding band, basically signaling a sort of turn in our relationship. I have been telling her all along no, it’s too much money, or whatever…but secretly I do want one 😛 I’m a pest that way. I would to eventually have a second handfasting with her with my new name. I wonder what I might have to do to change our marriage license? Hmmm, maybe I need to look into that.

So, ya..things are going well… Oh and I got a new cell phone! A droid 2..pretty sweet, but no front facing camera, so pics are really difficult to take 😦

Peace and well being,
Melanie Dawn

Listening to- Disturbed -Asylum

Just a really quick update…

Item 12 2010-00085669-CU-PT
In Re: Matthew Dale *********
Nature of Proceeding:
Filed By:
Petition for Change of Name
*********, Matthew Dale
The petition for name change is unopposed and is granted.

OMFG! It’s official! I am nearly there!

crying tears of joy

Melanie Dawn (for real!)